Difficult relatives, it that time of the year for the obligatory blog post about getting along with family during the holidays. This can be a very stressful time for people, particularly if your family contains difficult characters. The following are some tips to survive the holiday visits:

• Breathe. Always take deep breaths from the diaphragm before or during conversations with difficult people. This will relax the tension in your body and keep you centered rather than reactive.

• During one of the political tirades of a family member – if you do not want to engage. Don’t. Some people feel they must counter the stupidity coming out of a relative’s mouth to demonstrate not everyone agrees with the Neanderthal spoutings. But I love the old saying: “When you argue with a fool, there are two fools arguing.” It is highly unlikely you are going to change your relative’s opinion by saying something brilliant, only feed the tirade. Decide. Is this worth it? If it is, jump into the fray. But if not, a technique to use during a relative’s rant — stop listening to the person and instead practice listening for the furthest sound. Listen for street noise, bird calls, anything out of the house and far away. Focusing on a distant sound, the most distant possible, expands one’s perspective. It is the easiest way to “escape” when trapped at a Thanksgiving table.

• Yes, it is miserable to be asked AGAIN why you are not married, or why you got divorced or when you will get a better job… If you do not feel you can point out the inappropriateness of asking that question then just change the subject and do not answer it – ever. Answer the question, “When are you guys going to finally start a family?” with “I saw a really great movie last week…” and discuss the great plot or character development. Go to the visit prepared with a list of suitable topics to discuss and use to deflect questions. You do not need to answer intrusive questions or even carefully skirt them. Just change the subject. Keep changing the subject if you are continually asked the same question. If you are called out on your rudeness, this allows you the opportunity to comment on the inappropriateness of the original question.

• A quirky, favorite technique at a family gathering is to pretend you are in a Woody Allen movie while all the dysfunction around you is happening. It is more entertaining to pretend you are watching a movie rather than taking it personally that you are related to almost everyone at the table and trapped with them the rest of your life.

• Be clear about your expectations. If you are a guest, especially overnight or for a few nights, be very clear when you will arrive, leave, and your plans during the stay. Do not go with so much flexibility that your time is over-run by others’ agendas and expectations. A simple way to prepare the host is to let them know days ahead: “Martin and I will arrive Wednesday night at 7pm, we will rent a car and be there by 9pm. On Friday morning we are having breakfast with our old neighbors until about noon. We fly out Sunday morning and will leave your home at 10am. We are also hoping to meet Hillary and Don for drinks one late afternoon either on Friday or Saturday and perhaps do a couple of hours of shopping with them. Other than that, we are free to visit with you guys the bulk of the time we are there. Would love to take you to the latest movie one night.” Your hosts will appreciate the information, expectations have been communicated. It is flexible enough to work around their schedules and expectations. If you are the host it is perfectly acceptable to set expectations for guests as well. Let your guests know your plans for the visit and what they are welcome to join. Ask for arrival AND departure dates and times. If they are vague, let them know about your activities to communicate your needs, “I have a doctor appointment at 1pm, we may have to say good bye then.” Visits are much easier if there is some structure known ahead of the visit, expectations can be established beforehand rather than left too much unfruitful discussion.

• Remember: these holiday visits are temporary. There is a beginning, middle and end. This too shall pass…