No is difficult for many people to say. They agree half heartedly to activities or perceived duties and then stew in resentment. Being conditioned for so long to “be nice,” the idea of saying “no” feels rude.
The more difficult aspect for most is communicating one’s needs to another. One might be perfectly clear they do not want house guests during a holiday but do not know a way to state it (and not offend the other). If this is you, read on…
The first step is to not care about the other’s offense over your own needs. (Easier said than done.) Why are your needs less important than the other’s? People will often answer, “But I do not want to be selfish.” Try to banish selfishness from your vocabulary. If you are worried about being selfish you are likely not a culprit. Replace the term with self care. Self care is often confused as selfishness. It is not the same. There may be some holidays you are happy to have guests and there may be other times you just do not want to host. Being clear about your needs and knowing how to state them is necessary to decrease the resentment in your life.
If this is a new technique to assert your own needs, it will feel uncomfortable to start. Just as it is uncomfortable to run a 5K if you have not been physically active, using a new communication “muscle” will ache in the beginning. The principles are the same, you must exercise emotional and communication skills just like physical fitness skills if you want to stay “in shape.”
Accept the discomfort of saying no but do not let that deter you.
Give a simple short answer for your “no.” Do not embellish or lie in your explanation. You will not feel good about setting a healthy boundary (because you did not) and only worry if the truth is revealed. After two decades of teaching middle school I could tell the longer the explanation given why a project was not completed the more untruthful the excuse being offered. Lies are long and elaborate, the truth is short and sweet.
Do not explain or defend yourself. When we list several reasons we cannot do something it begins to sound hollow, grasping or defensive. The other person may ask ,“why not?”, especially if this is a change of pattern for you. You do not need to give a reason. You may feel more comfortable providing a short answer but keep it short and firm. Too many reasons given and the other person may try to problem solve and manipulate you into forgoing your own needs.
Understand you are not responsible for the other’s feeling of disappointment. It is not your responsibility to fix another’s feelings. You can offer suggestions but this is not required. We are accountable for our behaviors towards another but not to fix their feelings or situations. If Aunt Sally wanted to stay with you during the holidays; yes, she will be disappointed to not see you and inconvenienced to arrange other plans. You can invite her at another time that is MUTUALLY convenient for both of you. The key here is mutual — YOU and the other. Your needs are as valid as the other’s.
From the book Surviving the Borderline Parent, Kimberlee Roth provides an excellent list of ways to simply say no and set healthy boundaries. (Adapted from Randi Kreger and Paul Shirley, 2002) Practice these statements and tweak to fit your own style before you use them in a real situation:
I’m sorry, I won’t be able to.
I’m sorry that makes you upset.
I just can’t do that.
I understand you feel that way, but I’m still going to have to say no.
That’s your choice; this is mine.
I know I’ve done that for you in the past, but this time I can’t.
You may have a point, but my answer is still no.
I know you feel that way, and I hope you find another solution.
You might need to feel the need to provide a short explanation to Aunt Sally or someone else you are close to but remember to keep it short and honest. Something as simple as, “This year has been so hectic, I just need some downtime to myself this year. I am not hosting guests this holiday.”
Keep it short, simple, honest, limited explanation and stay firm with your decision.