We do not always know what to say to those grieving, this is a short guide to how to keep your foot out of your mouth. The article in the L.A. Times ‘Ring Theory’ of kvetching by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman simplified how to talk to others about the crises in their lives. It is a simple model of concentric circles. The afflicted one in the center circle, and work outwards the next most impacted, the intimates such as spouse, children, parents. Then close friends. Co-workers. Where do you fit in that model for that person? In one of the inner circles or outer circles?
Use the model as a guide for what to say to whom. You provide comfort to the people in the inner circles; you may complain, worry, and kvetch to those in your circle or outer circles — comfort inwards, dump outwards.
To rush in and tell someone with a cancer diagnosis how scared you are or how terrible it was for your Aunt Alice to go through chemotherapy is not helpful to the person in crisis. Save your feelings about the situation for those in the outer circles. Anyone in the inner circles is given support. “Can I bring a meal? Do any relatives need rides in from the airport? Let me mow your lawn this month. Can I take your kids to school? Do you want to talk? This must be so difficult right now.”
Your stories, concerns, feelings kicked up by this because you went through something similar is told to people in your outer circles. Do not dump on the people in the inner circles.
If you have a tendency to make any situation all about you, this model is concrete enough to keep in mind and remind yourself, ‘this is not about me.’ This is about them right now.
If you keep this model in mind when talking to people in crisis it simplifies when to say what to whom whether it be at a funeral, in the hospital, a neighbor’s home, church, or bumping into them at the store. Just offer comfort.
What to say to the people hurting in the inner rings is difficult. Keep it simple, “I am sorry you are going through this.” Sometimes saying nothing but doing something is so appreciated. When I was ill from chemotherapy a friend sent candied ginger to help ease the nausea. Another friend provided a care package to take along for the long hours of treatment. They did not need to say a word to me to communicate they knew what I was going through and wanted to help.
The least helpful comment to make to a person in crisis is, “Just let me know what I can do to help.” Way too general. You put the responsibility of thinking up help and asking for it on the person who is in crisis. You just dumped one more thing on the person. Make a few specific offers to the person. From the offers you make, the person knows what level of effort you are willing to make. If you offer a trip to the grocery store, bring in dinner or wash the car it is clear the time and effort you are willing to commit. It makes it easier for the person to say, “I do not need those but could you walk my dog today?”
Using this model of comfort in, dump out simplifies what to say to anyone struggling. Comfort.