Most of us think of anger as explosive, the hothead who blows off steam quickly without much provocation. This stereotype is not the only person with problematic anger. This blog post will shed light on some of the other styles of problematic anger. It is not always recognized as an anger issue because it does not always look ANGRY. All of us share a couple of these anger styles. Look for yourself.
Sarcasm
This person uses sarcasm to express the anger they may or may not be aware of harboring. If this is your anger style you are famous for funny little digs sometimes followed with, “I was only kidding.” This is a passive-aggressive communication style that attempts to hide a cut behind wit and humor. When the receiver does not take well to the indirect message, you can excuse your comment by self righteously pointing out, “Wow, someone cannot take a joke.”
Passive-Aggressive
Sarcasm falls under this umbrella term of passive-aggressive. This style is used when a person does not want to confront head-on an issue. Some people mistake this term to mean the kind of person who takes it, takes it, takes it and then explodes. Passive-aggressive anger is sneakier. Rather than confront the anger at a partner spending more time gaming than you want them to, the favorite shows get deleted from TIVO. Whoops, how did that happen? Passive-aggressive behavior is not stuffed and ignored; it is just indirect and underhanded.
Stuffer
This person stuffs feelings, usually anger. On the surface everything is fine. Just fine. But inside you may be raging. If this pattern continues even the rage is no longer noticed and seems to be replaced with, “nothing matters anyway.” Unfortunately, this translates to “I don’t matter.” Self care decreases and feelings are stuffed away by overeating, drinking, excessive shopping or other self-destructive behaviors.
Tick – Tick – BOOM
The person using this style wants to be the nice; let’s all get along. Boundaries are not drawn for others because why rock the boat. This style avoids confrontation in an attempt to keep the peace. Unfortunately, when it is no longer feasible to keep the peace and the last straw is pulled. BOOM! The screeching and bellowing about not being appreciated is filled with wrath.
Martyr
Every thing is your fault. You assign the blame of anything that goes wrong to yourself. No one else may be blaming you. You do it yourself. Anger at a son who drops out of college comes out in the demanded question, “What did I do wrong as your parent?!” Rather than direct anger at the source it feels safer to turn all anger in at your self.
Grump
The person who is consistently grumpy, curmudgeonly, irritated, annoyed has deeper anger issues. The expressed irritation at a particular situation is likely not the source of the deeper anger and resentment. But it does not feel safe to explore the deeper issues, so a steady stream of anger is released as grumpiness. No explosion, no stereotypical anger outbursts, just a steady stream of criticism, unhappiness, complaining grumpiness. (Every family reunion has one!)
What to do
Some of these issues are very deep rooted. Just like people with explosive anger issues need help learning tools to manage their behavior, if you use some of these styles to express (or not express) your anger you too need to learn new skills. The goal is to learn to communicate assertively — not aggressively, not passively. Assertiveness is letting your needs be known while respecting the other also has needs to be met. Anger management counseling or assertiveness training may be what you need. It is not just for the anger exploders. Anger is an emotion we all experience. How we express it is the key.