A most effective way to anger control is to learn where your anger source really lurks. Anger is considered a secondary emotion. It is a cover for another emotion, a primary emotion, such as fear or shame. Anger is energizing and powerful, we prefer feeling anger to fear or shame. So, we blast out with anger to protect feeling a vulnerable primary emotion. But until we acknowledge these deeper and scarier feelings we never really manage our anger, it manages us.
We subconsciously slide from the discomfort of fear and vulnerability to the raw energy of anger. Anger leads us to believe we are back in control, averts the vulnerability of shame. But anger keeps us apart from others. The aggressiveness of anger keeps people at a distance.
If the primary emotion you experience with a particular person is fear of abandonment but instead communicate anger, what happens? The anger outburst pushes the other person away. You created the situation feared, abandonment. By ignoring the deeper emotion and acting with anger you sabotage meeting your own needs.
The classic scenario, one partner is out socializing with friends while the other stays home. Both had agreed to tonight’s arrangement. But the one out with friends is out longer than expected. The home-bound partner begins to worry when cell phone calls and texts are not returned. The imagination kicks in and worst case scenarios envisioned. The fear becomes too great to manage so protective anger kicks in and the other is now “in so much trouble for putting me through this.”
When the late partner finally returns in a great mood after a fun evening with friends only to be confronted by an angry partner… You can imagine the scene. An argument, neither feels good about the other. One feels unappreciated, the other feels smothered.
Had the partner communicated the primary emotion of fear and concern rather than lead with anger, an argument likely avoided. When we are confronted with anger we become defensive. We respond with fight or flight. When we are approached with vulnerability, we tend to be more receptive. We tend to empathize and look for understanding.
By expressing the vulnerable feelings of fear, concern something had happened, dialogue is opened. Your feelings may be acknowledged and perhaps, reassured. There is no argument that now needs to be repaired.
One of the most beneficial questions you can ask yourself in a moment of anger is, “What am I feeling under this anger?” If every time you feel anger you can stop and think what is the root of the anger, you will decrease the number of angry outbursts. You will not stop them all. But there will be a decrease.
By identifying the primary emotion, the root of the anger, it takes the rage out of the anger. You now have engaged the thinking part of your brain. This awareness automatically will take the level of anger down a few notches. When you realize the anger is a cover for sadness, you now have a choice. You decide to explore the sadness or ignore the sadness and stay with anger.
But it is a choice. Anger does not just appear and hijack your life. You decided.
It is very empowering for people to realize they have some say in their emotional life. Anger doesn’t just happen. To realize anger does not have to control you, you understand some choices. This is a key lesson to taking back control of your anger rather than it controlling you.