Anger at your therapist may be confusing. Many people experience relief, gratitude and hope the first two or three sessions of counseling. For many it is the first time to speak with someone about long pent up emotions, past hurts and grievances. As the rapport with the therapist grows and the stories of past pain unfold there is great relief and gratitude felt towards the therapeutic process and the therapist.

The longer you stay in therapy; the more encounters are possible with your therapist that will disappoint or anger you. The therapist will say something you disagree with, start a session a few minutes late because the client before you needed a couple extra minutes, annually raise the fee when therapy is already too costly for your budget, not remember a detail you shared the previous week. Be too tough or not tough enough with feedback. Therapy is a relationship between two humans. The therapist will make mistakes due to being human. It is inevitable. The client is also human and possesses expectations the therapist cannot ethically, legally or personally meet. There is potential for difficulty between the two of you. But this is part of the therapeutic process, and often the key

Anger or disappointment at one’s therapist is a great place to work on one’s therapeutic issues. Clients are often embarrassed and will not bring up their feelings about the therapist with the therapist. But to push away this discomfort is a missed opportunity. Most clients do not understand the therapeutic value of addressing disappointment or anger (or affection, attraction) with a therapist. Hopefully, one’s therapist is comfortable and trained not to react to the client’s emotions but to stay objective, curious, understanding and warm.

Anger and disappointment are triggers attached to old wounds. Being able to address a present disappointment or angry feeling is an excellent trail to address those old wounds. When a counselor objectively guides you through the minefield of your feelings to explore old perceptions of your wounds it is a space to begin healing.

It takes much courage for clients to share one’s disappointment in the therapist. Most clients if disappointed or angered rather than address the issue, just begin to miss sessions or disappear entirely. This repeats the client’s pattern of not taking care of one’s needs, feeling one’s needs are not worthy of addressing. They leave counseling thinking it was a waste or go out and search for a new and better therapist.

For a client to share a hurt with someone trained to hold that hurt in a space to warmly explore rather than react is often new and novel for clients. To have someone listen, who in the moment is causing you pain, and allow you to explore and express your feelings is very healing, particularly if feelings were discounted as a child and/or in present adult relationships.

If therapy is difficult for you right now because of your therapist, talk to your therapist about this. A therapist adept at using the therapeutic relationship will help you begin to experience your fuller emotional self with less shame and judgment.