Blaming another for one’s anger is the greatest roadblock to managing anger. We like to think that when someone does something that angers us; it is the other person’s fault for our anger. Many people believe anger is merely stimulus – response. It is not. She said something that angered me is not an excuse for angry and aggressive behaviors: yell, hit, retaliate… An even more difficult concept to accept is that one is responsible for one’s own emotional reaction to an event. We are responsible to manage our own emotions. It is so much easier to blame.

Our emotional response to events is a reaction filtered through our thoughts, state of health and energy level. You may not respond angrily when in a good mood and feeling relaxed. But be tired and stressed out and the same event may leave you fuming and yelling. Our anger is not a direct result of what another does, it travels through our thought distortions, moods, energy level, and past trauma history before we feel anger and act out.

Do Not Condone Bad Behavior

This does not condone bad behavior of another or that one must just “suck it up” when treated badly. Another can be held accountable for their behavior, but not for your emotional reaction to their bad behavior. If you are treated badly, speak about the behavior. Hold the person accountable for their behavior but do not hold the person accountable for your anger about the situation. Your anger is your responsibility to manage.

This is a foreign concept to many people – accountable for own feelings and emotional responses. This mind shift though will make emotional regulation, particularly anger management, so much more clear how to proceed. The emotional charge of blame decreases and it is easier to separate one’s emotional reaction from the behavior of another. When one takes responsibility for one’s own emotional reaction, the angry outburst can be squelched. The “entitled” blow-up is no longer permissible.

Tell Your Anger, Not Show Your Anger

The saying, “Tell your anger, not show your anger” simply means to talk about what is upsetting but not in an angry way. Anger pushes people away. They may comply with you to shut you up but they do not feel safe with you. Angry outbursts harm relationships. A few outbursts here and there will be forgiven; a pattern of angry outbursts though diminishes relationships. If you stay in the blame cycle of anger: “you did this, you made me angry so it is your fault that I am yelling at you,” creates distance in the relationship.

Accept Responsibility

Accept responsibility for your emotional reactions to the stupid things that others do. Stop the blaming of another for your anger. Your emotions are yours. Do hold the person accountable for their behavior. But have that discussion when you are managing your feelings. Blaming another for your anger does not solve the problem. It escalates a pattern of miscommunication and unpleasant consequences for relationships. If your goal is to solve problems and improve relationships, the first step is to learn to accept your own emotional responses. This is not easy or done quickly. If this is a struggle to understand or practice, anger management counseling can help explore how to apply this concept in your life.