It is challenging to communicate with a person who is angry. The best option is to wait until the person is calm before holding the conversation but there are times waiting is not possible. When the conversation must be addressed now, the following are some tips to manage the conversation.
- Stay calm and focused. Only address the issue at hand. Do not fall into the rabbit hole of past grievances, “you always, you never…” Do not escalate the other’s anger with your own angry reaction. Anger fuels anger.
- Keep it simple. An angry, difficult person’s brain is generally running from a fear center of the brain at that moment, not the more complex thinking areas of the brain. You too are under threat at the moment from an angry attack and not as capable of high-level thinking, Keep sentences short, clear, and to the point. If either of you are under the influence of any substances, stop. Wait until both are sober to try to resolve anything.
- Acknowledge feelings. Let the other know you see his or her feelings and to what level. Some believe if you do not know how angry they are, aggression must be escalated to prove their anger. Say at the outset, “I see you are angry, perhaps the angriest you have ever been with me…” Also share your feelings so the other realizes his or her emotions have an impact on you. “I am (angry, nervous, sad, scared…) to be yelled at before given a chance to discuss…”
- Use active listening skills. If one perceives not being listened to the anger often escalates. This is a time to truly listen, not just waiting while figuring out what to say next. Do not interrupt. Do not correct the other. Do not get defensive. Use appropriate eye contact, nod, and truly listen for understanding. Try to see their point of view. Ask questions until you understand their point of view. This does not mean you must agree with the point of view, just able to reflect back accurately the point of view.
- Stay focused on the issue (again). You may have just listened to a laundry list of complaints, criticisms, threats, and attempts to change the subject – bring the focus back to the topic. For example, if the argument first centered around, “Where we are spending the holidays”, keep to that topic and not how Aunt Vera insulted us, you are always home late from work, you are so selfish….
- Do not take criticism personally. This is a tough one. When attacked with criticisms it is easy to become defensive and lash out in defense. Understand that criticisms are usually distortions and exaggerations. There may be a kernel of truth so listen for the kernel of truth but do not take to heart the bulk of the message. What is accurate in what they are saying? This is good information for your own personal growth. Listen for the pain in their criticism. “You always ignore me at parties and flirt with others,” may mean I do not feel special to you, a priority to you, I am scared and shy with your friends… Try to hear the vulnerability of the other in the “attack” on you. (You earn sainthood when you can do this!)
- Admit your sh*t. Own up to when you are wrong. Usually we each play a part in a situation. Claim your part. Demonstrating personal responsibility engenders trust and brings you closer to mutual understanding. Agreeing in part with the criticism may defuse an argument. For example, if you have walked in the door late and been told, “You are always late, you are so selfish…’’ Respond, “I am sorry, I should have let you know I was running late.” Rather than trying to defend your honor and history of punctuality, just address this instance of lapse.
- Use value neutral words. Words like wrong or right hold emotional baggage and trigger old feelings from school days, childhood discipline… Simply replacing the word accurate for right and inaccurate for wrong can lower the temperature of an argument. Also, name-calling never works in angry exchanges. Leave out any name-calling, even if you use name-calling as endearments when feeling positive towards each other.
- The broken record technique. Use this to stay focused on the issue when your partner is using this argument as a dumping session or passive aggressively making the same insult over and over and over again. Focus on your message calmly and assertively, “I know you are angry but I cannot change my time commitment at work.” Or, “I know you are hurt, this is a misunderstanding. I did not mean that comment the way you heard it.” Stick with your simple message and do not take the bait to jump into all the other issues that may be introduced during the outburst.
- Take a break if aggression is escalating. LEAVE*. Walking away can keep both of you safe from saying that thing that can never be unsaid. But do not walk away and then sweep this under the rug. This is a poor habit that only simmers anger. Promise to resolve this when both of you are able to talk calmly and fairly.
It is a challenge to talk with someone when angry. Use some of these strategies to help keep it simple. Wait to address the patterns, motivations, and complex impact on the relationship when cooler heads prevail.
*Disclaimer: This can be dangerous if this relationship experiences domestic violence. The way one leaves a controlling violent person requires specific safety strategies.